I am petrified of death... or perhaps just the dying part. Either way, I'm none to thrilled with the fact that I just won't be here anymore one day. I know how absurd this is... and for all I know, death is just plain nothingness, which I guess wouldn't be too terrible assuming you're simply not aware of anything anymore. Unfortunately to me however, that's kind-of the scariest potential reality. I would literally prefer to be a ghost, or something somewhere that can still process thought and take in whatever reality exists at that point.
I've been afraid of death for the vast majority of my 33 years. Even as a little kid, I always thought I was dying from something. I guess that was the Jewish alarmist in me, but it is a wee bit strange for a little kid to be so afraid of something they shouldn't really even be thinking about. Isn't that one of the joys of childhood? Being a bit fearless? I never was.
To this day the whole fear of death thing can be a bit debilitating from time-to-time. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night and am too tired to get up to read, I lay in bed and think about death. I worry about the possibility of dying in my sleep for who knows what reason? Morbid, I know.
I can't help but point a finger at my parents for this one.
When I was about 5, my family flew to Chicago for the funeral of my great grandmother Rose. She lived a nice long life free of any major illnesses. I think she was in her 90s. Lucky broad. I didn't yet know what a funeral was... let alone what death and dying meant. I was then an inquisitive happy-go-lucky little girl and likewise, I was restless and bored during the proceedings. At some point, I jumped out of my seat and demanded to know what was in the box. My parents thought this was hilarious and it brought a bit of light and humor to the macabre occasion. Little did I know that in that box was a dead person. I am convinced that's when everything changed.
The reason I'm writing this, is because I have spent ample time thinking about how I would talk to potential children of mine about death... when I would talk to them about it, what I would say, etc. I think I would almost want to over-compensate for the fact that I don't think I ever received the death talk. Nobody told me that dying is part of life... that we all die one day - and that it's inevitable. I think my parents, like many parents assume religion serves as the comfort... but it never did for me.
Perhaps I'm mistaken. Maybe my parents did give me the death talk and I blocked it out or ignored it. I don't know. Either way, I know that I"m not a big fan of the dying thing - and if we do kid, the last thing I want for them is to have the same morbid, scared, neurotic, crazed perspective on it that I have.
Fortunately, I'm married to a wonderful guy who has a significantly healthier perspective on the subject. He tries to help me get over the fear on a regular basis. In fact, come to think of it, if we kid, I'll let him handle that topic when appropriate.
On a semi-side note, I enjoy horror movies and books about serial killers.
Hmm...
Ah, 'mortality'... I could go on and on about it, but I'll try to remain brief.
ReplyDeleteAs Leigh touched upon, I've got a different perspective on the whole idea of dying - a much more optimistic one - and thus have made it my mission in life to help her out with this issue because, rest-in-peace assured, one day we will both be dead.
I'm sure my overall lack of fear when it comes to death stems from being raised in a household where faith played a major role and dying meant going to Heaven... so while death was to be avoided, I was raised to believe that what comes after THIS life was better than we are even capable of comprehending. Consequently, even if I were to renounce my faith tomorrow, I doubt my feelings on death would change much since I'm 'practiced' in it.
If you teach a child to swim at a young age, they grow up generally unafraid of the water. It's kinda the same way with me and death.
Having said all that, I consider myself an amateur student of philosophy, and I've considered all of the possible outcomes resulting in my demise and it still hasn't really scared me all that much.
Make no mistake, I'm plenty scared of the ACT of dying (slow, painful, etc.) but I'm just not that scared of being dead. In the words of my favorite Greek philosopher Epicurus, "Where I am, death is not - and where death is, I am not."
The fact of the matter is, death is the one thing that every living person is guaranteed. It's GOING to happen... so the sooner you come to terms with that, the better whether your methods are through faith or just apathy, you might as well just face up to it and move on. Otherwise you spend your life worrying about something that could hit you at any moment in any given day.
What's cool about death it that it's a great equalizer. It happens to everybody. And, to paraphrase the character 'Death' from the Sandman comics, "Everybody gets the same amount of time... a lifetime."
The thing is, death is SUPPOSED to happen - it's all part of how things work. I take great comfort in that.
Now, whether or not death brings rewards to the righteous or punishment to the wicked (or whether there is an afterlife at all) is certainly a topic for extended speculation and debate... and I believe it is our unique inclination to ponder such things that defines us as human beings... but the fact is, we won't know the answers until we're dead - and if 'knowing' ceases at our demise - well... 'ceste la morte.
There are two basic stances one can take when it comes to asking the big questions - the universe is either infinitely chaotic or infinitely orderly. It's ultimately a coin-toss, but I choose to place my chips on 'orderly' - and if the universe is orderly, then death is part of a natural scheme.
I could go into why I choose to believe what I believe - most of it a combination of personal belief, get instinct and quantum physics (if matter is energy and energy can neither be created nor destroyed then it can be argued that our own energy is/was/always will part of existence as a whole) but I'll spare you my extensive theories (for now).
Suffice it to say, if we do in fact decide to 'kid' I will happily take on the task of explaining death to our child... I want them to grow up with a healthy attitude about it, and I think a healthy dose of optimism will go a long way.
You'll die at Buckhorn ...
ReplyDeleteJust think of all the billions of years before you were born -- you've already BEEN dead!
ReplyDeleteI would argue that being 'not alive' is different from being dead.
ReplyDeleteBeing dead means (presumably)you were once alive and THEN ceased to live.
If I had simply never existed, I wouldn't have been dead OR alive.
Trippy!