GUEST POST! Dear Self: You Will NOT Procreate Again

Dear Self,

Open this letter if you even start to THINK about having another kid.

You must look like a total freak at the early childhood program. (Even the fact you've just written those words early childhood program is indicative of just how much of a crazed parent you are). When you drop off your 3 year-old and 3 month-old each day, you're usually clad in clothing that you've put on backwards or inside-out and spit up is worn proudly as your accessory du jour. (It is not a trend that will catch on anytime soon). Sometimes, you're wearing multiple outfits thanks to spit up - and that's just what's on the outside! You should see the contents of your own brain. They are in a state of complete disarray. In fact, you're not even sure if you're keeping your thoughts inside your head at all. You mommies like to think that you've got this multitasking thing down pat - but you do not - not by a long-shot.

This letter to yourself is intended to remind you - yes YOU - JENNIFER RAE WILHELM, that this parenting shit is hard. Don’t forget this dear self! Don't let the precious little faces and adorable little voices and gestures confuse you. Parenting is not all sunshine and rainbows. As an aside, it’s ironic that this letter will be published on your friend Leigh’s blog - which is all about whether or not she and John should have kids and that whole journey. God Bless her either way, but for you, you are 100% done kidding!

Here are some things you should remind yourself of if you even begin to contemplate having another:

No sleep. Always exhausted.
Can’t. String. Thoughts. Together. Did you already mention that? I bet you did! Go back and re-read the introductory paragraph.
Haven’t been able to hang out with your husband without your kids. You miss that. Not to mention he’s working a lot. You miss him in general.
While you wrote this, you were watching your 3 month-old while writing, cooking and simultaneously creating your yearly photo album - and nothing is really getting done... but you promised Leigh that you'd finish this, so you're desperately trying to focus.

Where were you?

Your kids sure are cute. Hmm... it might be nice to try for a boy you're thinking. No self! Stop that. Don't even dare start up again!

Don't forget - you and your husband have talked about getting him a vasectomy. Conveniently, right in the Austin area where you live, there is a doctor who performs this procedure. His name is Richard Chop. That’s right folks Dick Chop.

For now, you've opted for the IUD Paraguard. It lasts for 10 years and is non-hormonal. Not that your husband wasn’t on board with the vasectomy thing, but Paraguard was very easy and your insurance covered the cost. (You also enjoy knowing that it can be removed, freeing up your uterus for baby number three - but for the love of God, don't even think about it. In fact, you may want to revisit the vasectomy topic with the hubby as soon as you finish reading this).

Which brings us back to your friendly reminder to yourself not to have more kids.

It’s hard to find time to shower.
It’s hard to go to bathroom without someone needing something from you.
You don't remember what it's like to be able to sit down and eat. Really truly enjoying a meal in peace is a thing of the past. Not to mention when you’re nursing - you're literally tied to the kid.
You have to plan your mommy-time "adult" drinks in advance and any/all time away from the kids.
Last night your husband was working late, and both of your girls needed you. Your 3 month-old was crying and your 3 year-old needed help with her bedtime routine. You heard yourself think, “I don’t like my life right now,” and you sang to remind yourself that this too would pass.

Yes, you count my lucky stars everyday for being blessed with two healthy, adorable, wonderful girls. You love them to the ends of the Earth, but trust yourself here... you do not want another!

While there is nothing quite like the audible gasp when your 3 year-old is excited, or the creative, beautiful things she says like, “Mommy, why do the stars stay in the sky?” you have your fair share of all of that already - and bringing another baby into the picture is a bad idea. While these precious moments are incredible reminders of why you became a parent in the first place, do not misinterpret them as a 'sign' or anything of the sort to go get yourself knocked up for a third time!

Remember that nothing in life that is truly worth it is easy and love is no exception, and all of the exhaustion and lack of "you" time has been worth it - but do you really want to put yourself through it again? No. You do not. So future self, just to reiterate: This shit is hard and you are DONE!

Much love,

Yourself

Guest Post: My Awesome Friend Jen on How Parenting Has Changed Her

I met Jen my freshman year of college. She overheard me talking about the Barenaked Ladies - and that was it... we were fast friends. I'm thrilled to have her as a guest blogger today. Pictured is her chihuahua, who I've also had the pleasure of knowing since college - and her adorable little girl who sadly, I've not yet had the pleasure of meeting in person. Enjoy:

How has becoming a parent changed me?

Ha. Even in that question, I see humor. There's no way to delineate all of the ways it has. Basically - it's changed everything.

You see your friends become parents who do something to/for/with their kids that you wholeheartedly don't approve of and think - “Oh, I’ll never do that,” or you think the opposite - “Wow... they do that so well... Need to remember that one.” Well, now that I'm a parent, I can say that it has literally and figuratively brought me to my knees. I am truly humbled by the enormousness of it all while I am cleaning up my baby girl's poop from our semi-new carpet.

It's such a cliche, but when your friends say, “You never know what its like to be a parent until you become one,” you should take them very, very seriously.

Now that I'm a parent, I feel far less judgmental towards other parents, and fully understand how we’re really all just doing the best we can. Now that I'm a parent, I know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Now that I'm a parent, I've discovered that carving out time for myself just to think without someone asking me to play or participate is a huge challenge. Now that I'm a parent, I have experienced many nights of no sleep crying and praying... on my knees for my baby to get better and for a few hours of decent rest. Now that I'm a parent, I've loved how I've grown in my relationship with my partner Phil. Now that I'm a parent, I know how fallible I am.

This post could easily be a thousand pages long, if I continue to discuss how parenting has changed me - and Phil too. Ultimately, it has changed both of us tremendously. It has shaken us and thrilled us. We have gone from that terrifying feeling of having absolutely no idea of how to soothe a newborn, to the excitement of starting the whole process over again.

And the emotions... the range of emotions... is amazing.

I love to watch my husband marvel at our daughter.
I regret how I have occasionally lost my temper and cursed in front of my daughter. (Of course, I apologized).
I have tried to put myself in her shoes and ask myself what emotions like these could be like to a 2 year-old brain! I'm a therapist - and know that emotions are scary for anyone - but to a two year-old?!? As another mother told me you have to step back and recognize that it's important for a child to learn that there is a range of emotions and that the tough ones can be resolved.

My friend Leigh asks whether or not she should kid. Well, I certainly can't answer that for her. I will say, it's quite a balancing act... balancing time to connect with your partner, your child, your self. It isn't easy. Whoever said it is is lying. I think more people are acknowledging that now. I've read discussions about how hard parenting is these days... especially for women trying to "have it all," and recalling how the picture of parenting was always painted as blissful.

Parenting is not all bliss - but neither is life. Fortunately, dads today are far more involved in parenting than most of our fathers ever dreamed of being - and that does in fact make things easier.

So as for Leigh kidding - only she can make that decision. As for me, I've enjoyed the process of learning how to be a parent who doesn't beat themselves up, and respecting myself for doing the best that I can.