Hello readers. Here is a "comment" from my husband's long-time friend Anne Awh, that I believe deserves a spotlight here, as it perfectly reflects a decent number of my fears and concerns about having children:
I would have commented earlier, but when my jaw dropped I had to go downstairs to get it as it had fallen clear through to the floor below, and then I had to wipe off the coffee I'd sprayed all over the computer monitor: I never thought I'd hear the words "John B. Fountain", "Children", and "Confused" in the same sentence. A most interesting development indeed.
Here are some thoughts, in no particular order, and much of which you may have already considered:
All new parents-to-be claim that they will not let having children change them, and all their friends with kids will claim it will "totally change your life", in exactly those words. I think they're both wrong, though I'd be willing to go out on a limb and guarantee that once a baby arrives at home the dogs will be feeling the neglect, at least for a while, as our cats Sam & Ella will attest (yes, those are their real names).
Kids, especially very young ones, will slow down the careers of at least one of the parents -- they truly are a profession in themselves, a meeting you cannot get out of. Do not underestimate the toll to be brought on by lack of sleep! There is no "feed the baby, and bang out another ad proposal while he sleeps." Forget about it. As for me, I remember thinking with my first one that this was a double-full-time job that I was certain was worthwhile and contributing true worth to the world; I didn't seem to miss designing web sites. Depends on your career, I guess.
Then there's the love thing. People will get pretty darn sappy about that, but you get to be madly, sappily in love with someone other than your spouse and it's not cheating. Plus, they change so much that it becomes a new person pretty frequently.
Your marriage will be tested. I'm guessing the two of you aren't shy about communicating your thoughts and ires, but add the sleeplessness and the anxiety and the authoritative, conflicting declarations of how to keep them alive and raise them right, and you get the idea. How many divorces happen when the child is precisely age 2?
You are under no obligation to breed. I love the thought that my genetic material is being passed on, and better yet, combined with Ed's, but the Earth appears to have a pretty good and varied supply.
Keeping them alive: Yes, this is a source of anxiety. The previous is a vast understatement. Lack of sleep in the first year is not just from the baby not sleeping. When mine WERE sleeping, I would awake bolt upright with my heart pounding, to check if they were breathing. I brought my newborn back to the hospital in a panic after it failed to produce poo in the x number of days whatever book I was reading said they had to. That kid's 9 now. After all, the earth wouldn't have gotten its ridiculously enormous genetic pool if it wasn't at least kind of natural for babies to live.
Kids will totally piss you off. After the first year you start to transition from someone raising a kid to a Parent. The kids transition into people with wills, and your perfectly reasonable rules and pronouncements are NOT. They may or may not be into the same stuff you are. They might not even like Star Wars.
You will hardly ever go out at night.
Kids are frigging entertaining.
You will be less fun. My daughter claims that I am not funny, I am always serious, nagging about being late, being messy, being unsafe. (Me! I think indignantly.)
Your kids will be your conscience. They're like little Jiminy Crickets that you can't squash. You are forced to become the kind of person you want them to become, which can be a difficult process.
Your home will have these cool people (or person, depending,) living in it, and it will be the home of everyone, the home they grew up in.
Or, they could turn out rotten and you'll become painfully estranged. Who knows?
That was Anne's "comment" and while I poke fun at it's length, it's exactly the type of conversation I'm trying to create here. In fact, I'm already planning on interviewing two very funny, very sarcastic, very cool women I work with - both of whom are mothers that I believe are willing to share the 'darker' side of motherhood with me... and I can't wait. Hope they agree to this. Can't wait to hear them talk about other mommies too. Good stuff. I can feel it.
Stay tuned...
In the meantime, Anne - we need to meet... in-person. I think you're "my kinda people." Crazy idea... let's make a plan!
Thanks for creating my content for me today as well! I had a post nearly ready to go at the crack of dawn - but it just didn't happen.
Do I even have TIME for children? Probably not. I suppose it's good that I'm still in debate mode... but that's a post for another time.
Yeah, she got it pretty well correct. Though she didn't touch on the physical toll actually growing a kid in your body takes. Some people's bodies bounce back, some don't. Its important to discuss this too as body image and self esteem are often so closely linked. Kids will change you, but that's part of their charm.
ReplyDeleteYes!!!! The two if you should have kids, having kids is like having free labor.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell ya, free labor is like GOLD!!!
I have to say, the person who commented on kids being like free labor didn't grow up in my house. I had five sisters (six girls total) and every night the assigned dishwasher broke a dish so she was relieved of her dish duty. My mother who never hired a nanny or a housekeeper worked the equivalent of 5 jobs just to get us fed and clothed and to keep us healthy. It essentially took a labor force just to keep things rolling.
ReplyDeleteKids think washing a car is fun...once.
They don't cost a lot to raise when they're little and yes, they like to get up on the stool and wash dishes like mommy or daddy. But teenagers and young adults think of you as a bank account, and when you don't have the money for the things they want, be prepared to explain why you don't have it, and what they need to do to get it for themselves!!! You're not planning on having six kids. But how many? Shouldn't you have two if you're going to have one:) It's all mathematics!
I highly recommend "The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy" by Vicki Iovine. It is hilarious, and also put me off the idea of getting pregnant for over a year. By then it had sunk in what I should expect, and most of the unpleasant things didn't happen. And speaking of "Expecting", a book I don't recommend is "What to Expect When You Are Expecting". It is terrifically alarmist, which would feed right into your Jewgle tendencies. It is also just a really annoying read, chock full of cutesy alliteration.
ReplyDeleteWow. Okay, yes, we will probably have two children if we have any at all. Future posts will start to get into those details... or raise additional questions - like are we going to adopt, or have our own? Adoption of course raises a whole boatload of other questions. It's kind-of this impossible decision... hence the blog. BTW, Anne... have you ever seen the site, www.lets-panic.com? If not, I suggest you check that one out. HILARIOUS. I'll be posting about it. Thanks everyone for contributing!
ReplyDelete