Meltdown

Last night, I had a complete meltdown - and no... it was not PMS.

It was just a full-blown meltdown, replete with plenty of sobbing, tears and self-pity. It was obnoxious, and my poor husband John had to just sit there, hold my hand, pet my head and try to calm me down.

It was strange. I don't normally behave like this unless I'm PMSing. This was kind-of newish, and like I said really, really strange. I was truly ensconced in a deep, dark, dreadful funk.

I felt like all of these thoughts that have been running through my head for months finally all converged together and ran me over... twice. Perhaps not surprisingly, this blog is in large part responsible. This blog forces me to reflect and to think... a lot. Perhaps more than I should be.

The meltdown revolved predominantly around regrets - lots of them - and questioning things like the universe, and God, and feeling fairly dismal about our circumstances, (even though they're significantly better than they were just a few short years ago). It was a bleak moment for me. As much as I felt sorry for myself, and for John, I felt guilty for feeling sorry at all, because in so many ways, we are very blessed. We have each other, the world's most adorable puppies, our families, our friends, a roof over our heads, good food, Words with Friends, and Netflix. There's a lot to be thankful for. And I know this. I am very, very aware of it - but I was having a moment. I was bitter and jealous and regretful and resentful... and wondering why the world just won't cut us a break.

But the world doesn't simply cut people breaks. The world just is. In the midst of our discussion, John was about to tell me that we make our own happiness... and I cut him off, saying that I don't really believe that anymore.

But I do.

And so if the world can't or won't cut us a break, I'm gonna set my sights on finding us some more of this happy business and accept that the search may not be as easy as I might like.


Pictured: Fountain's Fountain, from our wedding.