I ♥ Christmas.

My old camp friend, and talented scribe Jenny Feldon, wrote this blog post a few days ago - http://moonfrye.com/profiles/blogs/moonfrye-family-happy-hanukah-and-happy-merry-christmas-too-by-je

It's a beautiful post - and I love how honest Jenny always is in her writing, which is why I too have to be entirely honest here as well. As I read it, I felt a series of emotions that I can't even really put to digital paper entirely. However, guilt is probably emotion #1.

Why?

Because unlike myself, Jenny - along with virtually every other Jew I know, has maintained her adherence, (from what I can tell), to Judaism... happily.

Me? Not so much.

I shouldn't feel guilty... after all, what's wrong with choosing your religion or spirituality for yourself? Absolutely nothing, right? But, I think guilt is part of my DNA. We Jews are born feeling guilty. We're supposed to uphold traditions - after all, we're a dying breed. If we're all as cavalier about it as I am, we'd be gone in no time. It's essentially our obligation to pass the torch along! Nevertheless, I just don't feel compelled to.

Thing is, I never really 'took' to it. I don't think it helps that I've NEVER enjoyed being told what to do... by anyone. For that reason alone, I pretty much ditched it.

Surprisingly, I was Bat-Mitzvaed! I read my torah portion... Mishpatim I believe it was called - and to this day, I still don't really recall what a word of it meant. I was 13... and like most 13 year-olds, I was unbelievably awkward. I was more concerned about carrying a tune in front of the boy I had a crush on at the time and whether or not I would need braces, than becoming an "adult." That idea in-and-of-itself to me seemed ludicrous, and still does to this day. I don't believe I became an 'adult' until I was about 25 or so. I didn't feel like my Bat-Mitzvah was some rite of passage. I felt like it was an exercise in utter and total humiliation.

Perhaps even more surprisingly, I went to a Jewish sleepaway camp... for years! I became a Counselor-in-Training, and then an assistant art director. It didn't end well. Long story, but let's just say that I left a place I called home for nearly 10 summers feeling very, very disillusioned and sad.

And perhaps that too is why the Judaism thing never stuck. To boot, I never made it an absolute necessity to marry another Jew. I dated plenty, but wound up falling head-over-heels in love with John Brian Fountain... a Christian from, (of all places), Kalamazoo, Michigan.

I found someone patient, understanding, and funny. Someone who could actually help me deal with my profound fear of death, teach me to laugh at myself, address my inability to wholeheartedly 'believe' in God, support my undying need to celebrate Christmas... I felt like I'd won the lottery - and to this day, I still do!

So we celebrate Christmas. I think I'm more zealous about it than John. The day after Thanksgiving, I can't wait to unpack the decorations, the stockings... decorate the tree, purchase holiday bouquets and wreaths and spread candles throughout the house, scented with cinnamon and pine. I LOVE CHRISTMAS! Love, love, love, love, love.

Look - please don't misinterpret this post as anti-Jew. I am completely and totally pro-Jew. I still dig that I am a Jew, (albeit non-practicing). The prescribed religion part just didn't quite work out for me is all. I simply never took to it, much to my parents' dismay.

Is that so terrible?

And when my parents ask me how we'll raise any kids we might have, I explain to them as clearly as possible, that we're simply not going to indoctrinate them into any one religion. We will teach them about both of our backgrounds, and allow them to choose for themselves, but in our household, we celebrate Christmas, because that's what we, as adults, have both chosen to do. And as confident as I am about that decision, I know that I know many, many Jews who probably think I'm evil because of all of this.

Fortunately, I'm learning to care less about what others think and embrace what I think with utter abandon.