Of Course!

So no less than 24 hours out from having posted that John and I have decided that we want children, do I receive a call from my OBGYN who tells me that everything is fine... except that my "ovarian reserve" appears to have been "somewhat depleted." Her advice? Stop waiting and start trying to get knocked up... NOW.

I get this call at work. I'm sitting at my desk and had just finished texting my girlfriend and the phone rang. Unknown number. Generally, I don't answer these, but something told me to pick up the phone - and I did - and for the next hour, I was in complete shock. I know I'm 35 and I'm getting into that precarious age range for having children... but I thought I could get away with waiting just a teeny tiny bit longer, because I JUST TURNED 35. Countless women I know have had babies at 36, 37, 38, 39... and most recently... forty-fucking-two! In any case, after I hung up the phone, I started to cry.

According to my doctor, it would be incredibly risky to wait at this point. In fact, even another month or so might seriously jeopardize my chances of getting pregnant based on a variety of tests. She wants us to try to get pregnant - and if I can't do so in the next couple of months, she's referring me to a fertility specialist... something I'm not entirely sure how I feel about just yet.

Bottom line? I am out of wait time. It's go time... NOW. I suppose this makes the title of my last post all the more appropriate... and real. No more kidding around folks. I've got to make the most of whatever eggs I've got left. Heading out to pick up a few ovulation kits today.

Fingers crossed. Legs uncrossed.

Lovely.

Dim the Lights... Here We Go!

Oh bloggity blog... how I have missed thee! For reasons I cannot divulge, I had to take my blog down for a bit. It was quite maddening, because while it was down, I felt like there was a particularly massive onslaught of juicy stories about parenting and children that I was DYING and I mean DYING to write about. (Hello... TIME Magazine cover anyone?!?!)

To boot, I've also been dying to share something with all of you. We have decided that at some point, (not saying when), we will be kidding! Come hell or high water, we will have a baby... or two.

So there you have it folks. The decision is made. Ta da!!! And perhaps it's fate that I'm announcing this today, on the very day that I discovered another woman, struggling with the very same decision, happened to start a blog quite similar to mine sometime late last year. The most frustrating part? Hers is better. It's prettier and more well-written. So, for those of you who want to continue to read about one woman's confusion about the prospect of babymaking, I give you this: www.maybebabymaybenot.com

As for me, I'll be starting up a new blog shortly. Guess what it's called??? Go on... guess.

The Case Against Kids... Maybe Abortion is Green

Two things came across my desk recently that gave me pause.

An article in the New Yorker exploring whether or not procreation has actually become immoral.

http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2012/04/09/120409crbo_books_kolbert

It's about 4 pages long and not surprisingly, it's very analytical/intellectual and to be honest I really only skimmed it because of two things:

1. I've become a lazy Internet reader and

2. The other thing came across my desk that in my humble opinion, more succinctly got to the point.

"Abortion is Green" according to Doug Stanhope



And, if you're even lazier than me and don't feel like reading the entirety of The New Yorker piece, the gist of that article is as follows:


Global population is expected to hit eight billion around 2025, which is to say about ninety-five years later than Knowlton predicted. No one in his right mind supposes that it could reach sixty-four billion without horrific consequences, except perhaps a few economists.

The decision to have a child, or one more child, or yet another child may seem to be a personal one—a choice about how many diapers you want to change in the short term versus how many Mother’s Day cards you hope to receive later on. But to see it in these terms alone is to be, as Caplan points out on the cover of his book, selfish. Whatever you may think of Overall’s and Benatar’s conclusions, it’s hard to argue with their insistence that the decision to have a child is an ethical one. When we set the size of our families, we are, each in our own small way, determining how the world of the future will look. And we’re doing this not just for ourselves and our own children; we’re doing it for everyone else’s children, too.


But again, if you're going to make a case against procreation, I think Doug Stanhope really says it best:

"Their combined uterii will wreak more havoc on the environment than 1,000 DOW chemical corporation accidents combined" and perhaps better still:

"If you want to help Mother Earth, try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly and abortion is green."

GUEST POST! Dear Self: You Will NOT Procreate Again

Dear Self,

Open this letter if you even start to THINK about having another kid.

You must look like a total freak at the early childhood program. (Even the fact you've just written those words early childhood program is indicative of just how much of a crazed parent you are). When you drop off your 3 year-old and 3 month-old each day, you're usually clad in clothing that you've put on backwards or inside-out and spit up is worn proudly as your accessory du jour. (It is not a trend that will catch on anytime soon). Sometimes, you're wearing multiple outfits thanks to spit up - and that's just what's on the outside! You should see the contents of your own brain. They are in a state of complete disarray. In fact, you're not even sure if you're keeping your thoughts inside your head at all. You mommies like to think that you've got this multitasking thing down pat - but you do not - not by a long-shot.

This letter to yourself is intended to remind you - yes YOU - JENNIFER RAE WILHELM, that this parenting shit is hard. Don’t forget this dear self! Don't let the precious little faces and adorable little voices and gestures confuse you. Parenting is not all sunshine and rainbows. As an aside, it’s ironic that this letter will be published on your friend Leigh’s blog - which is all about whether or not she and John should have kids and that whole journey. God Bless her either way, but for you, you are 100% done kidding!

Here are some things you should remind yourself of if you even begin to contemplate having another:

No sleep. Always exhausted.
Can’t. String. Thoughts. Together. Did you already mention that? I bet you did! Go back and re-read the introductory paragraph.
Haven’t been able to hang out with your husband without your kids. You miss that. Not to mention he’s working a lot. You miss him in general.
While you wrote this, you were watching your 3 month-old while writing, cooking and simultaneously creating your yearly photo album - and nothing is really getting done... but you promised Leigh that you'd finish this, so you're desperately trying to focus.

Where were you?

Your kids sure are cute. Hmm... it might be nice to try for a boy you're thinking. No self! Stop that. Don't even dare start up again!

Don't forget - you and your husband have talked about getting him a vasectomy. Conveniently, right in the Austin area where you live, there is a doctor who performs this procedure. His name is Richard Chop. That’s right folks Dick Chop.

For now, you've opted for the IUD Paraguard. It lasts for 10 years and is non-hormonal. Not that your husband wasn’t on board with the vasectomy thing, but Paraguard was very easy and your insurance covered the cost. (You also enjoy knowing that it can be removed, freeing up your uterus for baby number three - but for the love of God, don't even think about it. In fact, you may want to revisit the vasectomy topic with the hubby as soon as you finish reading this).

Which brings us back to your friendly reminder to yourself not to have more kids.

It’s hard to find time to shower.
It’s hard to go to bathroom without someone needing something from you.
You don't remember what it's like to be able to sit down and eat. Really truly enjoying a meal in peace is a thing of the past. Not to mention when you’re nursing - you're literally tied to the kid.
You have to plan your mommy-time "adult" drinks in advance and any/all time away from the kids.
Last night your husband was working late, and both of your girls needed you. Your 3 month-old was crying and your 3 year-old needed help with her bedtime routine. You heard yourself think, “I don’t like my life right now,” and you sang to remind yourself that this too would pass.

Yes, you count my lucky stars everyday for being blessed with two healthy, adorable, wonderful girls. You love them to the ends of the Earth, but trust yourself here... you do not want another!

While there is nothing quite like the audible gasp when your 3 year-old is excited, or the creative, beautiful things she says like, “Mommy, why do the stars stay in the sky?” you have your fair share of all of that already - and bringing another baby into the picture is a bad idea. While these precious moments are incredible reminders of why you became a parent in the first place, do not misinterpret them as a 'sign' or anything of the sort to go get yourself knocked up for a third time!

Remember that nothing in life that is truly worth it is easy and love is no exception, and all of the exhaustion and lack of "you" time has been worth it - but do you really want to put yourself through it again? No. You do not. So future self, just to reiterate: This shit is hard and you are DONE!

Much love,

Yourself

The Great Equalizer - Guest Post by John Brian Fountain - Potential Baby Daddy

Whenever the discussion about 'babies' comes up, a lot... quite understandably... is said about 'birth'.

I'd like to talk about death.

It's amazing how much stuff it seems parents try to jam into the heads of their children before they've even begun to teach them about some of the fundamentals - one of which is that one day, we will all die. Now before you start calling me a ghoul, stay with me on this...

It never seems to occur to almost any of us that life has one absolute guarantee attached to it no matter who you are: You are going to die.

It doesn't matter if you're a prince or a pauper... famous, infamous, or just your everyday Joe... The one absolute in life is that we ALL eventually die. It could happen 108 years after you're born or you might not even make it out of the womb, but it WILL happen to everyone. Death is supposed to happen... it's part of the natural order of things. Why shouldn't we have a better attitude about something that is so clearly a cosmic staple?

We'll overload kids with math, science, history, sports, entertainment and a million other things, but when it comes to the subject of death, the majority of us tend to get very skittish, and many parents I've known ignore the subject entirely. When it comes to teaching our kids, we seem to put a lot of importance on rote memorization and 'feeling good' about ourselves. Even the most well-meaning of religions seem to drop the ball on the whole issue of death. You can preach about Heaven until Judgement Day, but most people are still afraid of death, even with promises of a "better place" for those who are deemed deserving.

How is it that as a society that seems obsessed with deconstructing every aspect of life becomes so painfully bashful when it comes to talking about the ONE thing that we all have in common? Some people get to live longer and do more stuff, but if you spend your life comparing yourself to others and perpetually charting what other people have versus what you have, you're essentially wasting whatever time you actually have here. And that being said, whenever people say, "life isn't fair," I'm inclined to respond, "Well, yes it is... we all die. It's the great equalizer."

Fortunately for me, I'm not afraid to die. Early on in my childhood, I was taught not to fear death. Their method happened to be in the form of Christianity and religious conviction, but I feel as though that's just one possible way to handle it. I believe that as long as you have an open dialogue about it, the particulars aren't nearly as important as an overall sense that "this is how it is." As a result, it has freed me from a lot of the anxieties that seem to cripple a lot of other people, including Exhibit A - my beloved wife Leigh, your gracious blog host here. In all other ways, she's as tough as nails, but when it comes to the idea of being dead, it freaks her out to no end.

How many folks out there can trace their deepest demons to the fact that they are terrified of death? I'm not saying I'm a perfect specimen, but I don't waste a lot of time fretting over the one thing that I know for certain will happen to me one day - as well as the distinct possibility that when it happens, I may not even see it coming. I will die - and so will you - and so will your children. Yes, your children will die one day. And they need to know this, and embrace it early on. Perhaps it will enable them to lead a more fulfilling life and a life without fear of the inevitable. Yet, it seems that the fear of the one guarantee in life is the very thing that drives people to all sorts of kooky and/or destructive behavior: drug and alcohol abuse, crackpot religions, self-loathing, self-doubt, etc.

Don't misunderstand me, either... I'm as afraid of the process of dying as the next person - and I most certainly fear potential pain and suffering that may accompany that process, but 'being dead'? No problemo.I guess what I'm getting at here, is that if we have a kid, one of my primary goals will be to instill in them a healthy attitude about death. I don't think it does anyone any favors to tiptoe around it and treat it as this big, awful secret.

Likewise, Leigh and I have already agreed that if we decide to kid, teaching them about death will be my domain, and I embrace the responsibility wholeheartedly.

To quote Epicurus, my favorite of the Greek philosophers: "When we exist death is not, and when death exists we are not."

Grim Reaper drawing by artist AellaPax of DeviantArt.com.

Friends with Kids

Oh boy. What interesting timing.

When I first read the synopsis for this movie - I couldn't help but be pretty darn amused:

FRIENDS WITH KIDS is a daring and poignant ensemble comedy about a close-knit circle of friends at that moment in life when children arrive and everything changes. The last two singles in the group observe the effect that kids have had on their friends' relationships and wonder if there's a better way.

And there was an LA Times article this morning about Jennifer Westfeldt - the Producer, Director and Lead Actress in the movie - who is 42 years old and childless, (in real life that is). And here's the most intriguing snippet:

"Friends With Kids" grew out of Westfeldt's personal experience. She took note of the collateral damage parenthood can inflict on couples, the anger and frustration that can arise between the sleep-deprived spouses as they negotiate the division of responsibilities and the demands of a new baby.

Similarly, Westfeldt's unlucky-in-love Julie watches the marriages of her peers - husbands and wives played by Maya Rudolph and Chris O'Dowd and Kristen Wiig and Hamm - begin to disintegrate after they become parents, so she opts to have a baby with her best friend, Jason ("Parks and Recreation's" Adam Scott).

Anyway, I get the distinct impression that the movie will cover a lot of the topics I have already covered ad nauseam in this blog. Interestingly, I am fairly confident that I can see this movie without second guessing all of the aspects of opting to kid or not to kid, that John and I have already definitively come to a conclusion about.

Tommy Jordan. Hero or Horror?

You've probably seen this video - and you probably have some very strong opinions about it. That said, you may not have seen the father in the video on The Today Show this morning, so you should definitely check this out:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/46652561/ns/today-parenting_and_family/t/laptop-shooting-dad-i-stand-behind-what-i-did/#.T1eXlHl-FkQ

Here's what I totally dig about Tommy Jordan:

He's human.

He's what I admire about Tommy Jordan:

He's smart, articulate, funny, humble, and admits when he may have made a mistake.

'Cause sometimes parents do.

Even Matt Lauer acknowledged how impressed he was with this guy - despite the fact that he didn't agree with what he did.

Do I think that his laptop mutilating extravaganza might have been overkill to some extent? Sure. But it was also funny (or at least to me anyway) and it seemed to do the job. And quite frankly - despite the fact that I'm not a parent - I wholeheartedly understand how some parents can get extremely overwhelmed when their various methods of 'punishment' don't produce satisfactory results. It's not surprising that some resort to fairly extreme measures in order to get the message across loud and clear.

And guess what? In this case, it worked! Look, Tommy Jordan admitted to overreacting, but hey... his daughter is now well-aware that badmouthing your parents and using profane language online is a very bad idea. I highly doubt that she'll ever do it again. Lesson learned.

Oh - and Tommy Jordan also saved his daughter's hard drive before he started his laptop annihilation. Clearly this is not some hillbilly madman who lost his temper. He came up with a creative plan, executed it, (ha), and is fairly pleased with the results. I don't blame him.

Why do I sympathize? Well... (sorry Hayes), but my brother was an absolute terror. He didn't respond to punishment at all. From the day he emerged from the womb, Hayes managed to get into boatloads of trouble - and virtually nothing... no punishment, big or small, seemed to have an impact. Sure there were tears, but he'd quickly forget the ramifications of his actions and be back into trouble in mere seconds. My parents had to resort to some pretty extreme parenting to try to keep him in line - and even then, their methods were fairly futile. And for the record, I don't approve of some of the methods my parents utilized... but I understand why they resorted to a few questionable approaches.

In any case, if we kid, I hope we never have to resort to anything quite this extreme, but if we do... well, then hopefully we'll come up with something equally as powerful, effective and all-around entertaining as this.

Pretty Pretty Princesses and Mass Murderers

The other day I asked John to record the NBC News at Noon, because they were doing a story on whether or not it is detrimental to children to allow them to dress up as princesses.

I was sort-of surprised they were doing a story on this at all... but perhaps that's a noontime news thing. I don't really know. In any case, it was pretty much a non-story. There were no new studies or perspectives on the matter. It's as if they just threw the debate out there and didn't really come to any definitive conclusions, so I'm going to take the liberty of doing that for them!

I am a full-fledged girly girl. Always have been. While I have no recollection of ever having dressed up as a princess, I adored the slew of Disney incarnations, and I'm sure I had my fair-share of princess-inspired paraphernalia, whether it was dolls dressed as princesses, tutus, tiaras or otherwise.

In any case, it didn't fuck me up. I didn't actually aspire to be a princess at any given point. I didn't have delusions of grandeur, or expect some prince to come and rescue me from who-knows-what, or behave in any way like a princess.

I feel like I've read about and heard about a lot of parents who object to the whole princess thing altogether. Frankly, I don't get it. What's wrong with playing any role, or dressing up as anything? It's play-acting! I mean, don't get me wrong, if we kid - and our child happens to dress up as a princess and then proceeds to behave like one, well, that will not be tolerated. But wearing a tiara? Fine by me.

And to further illustrate my point here - you may all recollect a recent commercial that was universally adored, wherein a young child is dressed up as Darth Vader. Darth Vader... mass murderer and killer of younglings. Yet parents around the world have no objections to their children dressing up as this character. Why? Because he's a great character - he's iconic - and because the children aren't going to grow up to be Darth Vader, unless they've got some seriously deep-seated issues which, costume or not, would've reared their ugly heads regardless.

Post Birth Necessities I Wish I'd Never Heard Of.

Lately I've been giving a lot more thought to the prospect of being pregnant. (I'm sure those of you reading this may have already come to that conclusion). Having been blogging about the whole to kid or not to kid debate for a while now - regardless of what our ultimate decision is - there are things that I've managed to finally get over.

I'm over the fear of getting fat. I'm over the boy vs. girl thing. I'm even starting to believe that if you really want something, you can make it work. I'm also fairly convinced that I'd make a great mom. (I already know John would make a great dad). That all said, a handful of things still scare the living hell out of me. (In no particular order):

1. Hormones. PMS is one thing. Pregnancy? Another thing entirely. If I ever do get knocked up, I fear for John's sanity... and my own.

2. Death. People still die giving birth right? I know it's highly unlikely - but still. Scary, scary stuff. What's that whole preeclampsia business? I see pregnant women all over the place who look happy and carefree - not a worry in the world. What is up with that?!?

3. Stillbirth. I can't imagine anything worse. Miscarriage is one thing... this is another entirely. Again, I know it's highly unlikely - but that doesn't help allay my fears... whatsoever.

4. Everything about the birthing process. I will undoubtedly want a c-section - and no... not because of scheduling issues or because I'm a wuss, but because I have a legitimate enough reason to believe that actually going through a natural birth might be harder on me than most women. Do not ask questions please. Or if you must, don't expect an answer.

And on the topic of the birthing process - my dear friend Jen W. (one of my faves), recently sent me this awesome book, "Happy Chaos" by Soleil Moon Frye. Many of you may remember Soleil from the TV series Punky Brewster. I know I do. I obsessed over that show. I idolized Punky and desperately wanted to be adopted by a grumpy old man and a dog. And I wanted a treehouse... among other things, but I digress.

Soleil wrote a part-memoir, part-tell-all-manual for those of us non-parents looking to familiarize ourselves with what parenting might look like - as well as for those of us who are already parents. What's great about it is that it is not preachy... AT ALL! It's just informative and fun!

Anyway, I'm only about 60 pages in... but one particular passage continues to haunt me - and that would be Soleil's description of the post-birth phenomena that consists of the gigantic fishnet granny panties, the enormous latex glove filled with ice and the vaginal numbing spray.

Evidently, if you do have a natural birth - this is what the all-too-cavalier nurse will greet you with after the fact. And evidently, you will want, and truly enjoy these items.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Like I said, if I do go this route, I think I'm insisting on a C-section.

Go ahead and judge. Nothing you say will convince me to do otherwise.

Anyway, thanks Soleil for bringing this horror fest to my attention. Forewarned is forearmed!

And thanks to my other friend Jenny Feldon - mommy blogger extraordinaire, who also brought this book to my attention - and who happens to pen her own blog - www.karmacontinued.com - and contributes to Soleil's cool website - www.moonfrye.com too.

Enjoy all of their motherly musings.

Fertility Advice From a Plastic Cup

So I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine last week - who announced that he and his girlfriend were expecting. I was semi-astonished for a multitude of reasons, including the fact that I never really thought this person would become a dad - and additionally, the fact that both he and his girlfriend are over 40. That gave me hope... for a minute anyway. That being said, he wound-up scaring the living shit out of me. (THANKS FRIEND!) Why? Well, he reminded me that I am approaching the "precipice" of fertility. Which is to say that as of this Thursday, February 16th, when I turn 35, I will start the downward slide into potential infertility. In fact, I sort-of already have - and it only gets worse.

With every year that passes at this point moving forward, my chances of conceiving a child decrease exponentially. Woohoo! With that said however, today's post was written by said friend, who has provided us all with an interesting perspective on how male fertility can often be the culprit in the lack of conception - something that most doctors and fertility specialists overlook far too frequently:


For those of you who have decided “to kid,” here is some baby-making knowledge about fertility from a male who got his lady pregnant the hard way. (And by hard way I mean years of my life and nearly $100K of my savings.)

Things your gynecologist probably never told you:

Over 40% of fertility issues involve the male partner.
20% to 30% of fertility issues are exclusively with the male partner.

Most of you at this point are probably asking “What does this mean for me?” and “Really $100K?" Let’s address both questions simultaneously.

Like the Wedding Industry, the Fertility Industry is almost exclusively catered to the woman. Almost all doctors will try to fix infertility on the female side alone.

In our case, after trying to have a kid “naturally” for over a year, my partner’s Gyno recommended we spend $2,000 on IUI (insemination) without once suggesting that we test my sperm. After IUI failed, her next recommendation was that we go to a fertility doctor for IVF (in-Vitro Fertilization). Once again, she referred us to this method without ever considering that the problem may be on my side.

After failing at over $10,000 of IVF, this fertility doctor suggested we use donor sperm or that I might try a urologist.

Like many of you, I thought Urologists were “pee-doctors” but here’s the secret... while most urologists are pee-doctors, there is a specialty of Urology dedicated to Male Sexual Health. (Remember this phrase.)

Urologists specializing in Male Sexual Health are basically the male equivalent of Gynecologists. They can diagnose sperm in much greater detail and are expert at improving sexual health and overcoming male infertility.

After getting multiple referrals, I went to Dr. Scott Zeitlin who teaches at UCLA Med School who this Plastic Cup endorses wholeheartedly. After testing my sperm and hormones for about $300, he determined that my body’s testosterone was low and put me on one pill a day. Within a few months my sperm went from 'meh' to awesome and we got pregnant naturally.

Now, I would love to say that this was the happy ending I was looking for. But sadly, it ended up in miscarriage. But here’s another thing your gynecologist never told you:

Up to one third of all pregnancies end up in miscarriage.

But let’s not end on a sad note – my partner is now 6 months pregnant with a very healthy boy. (This happened as soon as we fired that first female-centric fertility doctor and went with a far better fertility doctor. But that’s advice that this Plastic Cup will have to share another time.)

Hey - BTW, speaking of my forthcoming time bomb of a birthday, here's what I'd like from you. In lieu of gifts, I would ADORE any donation you can make to the Pediatric Cancer Research Foundation. I am running a 1/2 marathon in May to raise critical funds for this cause. Any amount is appreciated! To those of you who have already donated, THANK YOU!!! (That includes the friend who penned this post and scared me half to death).

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=492975&supId=347488959