So my badass friend Carrie from college sent me an article - and said that it was interesting - not so much for the article's content as for the comments. When Carrie speaks, I listen. She's one smart, sassy lady.
Lo-and-behold, she was right. Check out a small selection with my comments in italics below each:
#1 - A Dude - For all his infinite wisdom, cannot tell you whether or not you want kids. There are plenty of people who've had kids and regretted it; my aunt, for example. Her kids are grown-ups now and she *still* doesn't like them, and wishes she hadn't had them. And they're not criminals or anything. Just ordinary people.
It can happen.
No one else can make that decision for you. You're just going to have to figure it out yourself.
I have to figure it out for myself!?! WTF?!? Sincere thanks however for pointing out that there are in fact probably many people out there who regret having children. I sure as hell don't want to be one. Thus the obsessive over-thinking.
#2 - @special_boots well said that aunt! Nevernevernever ask a dude about having kids because they will be so positive about it all. Their wives, less so. Of all my girlfriends with kids, way more than 50% really strongly regret having them.
They also strongly love their kids, the two feelings are not exclusive.
I'd have said, don't try to conceive until you get 'baby rabies' when all you can think about is motherhood, but sadly even there one of my friends with a kid just said it wasn't what she wanted, after all.
Nevernevernever ask a dude anything. Sound advice! (I kid). In other news, I wouldn't say I have baby rabies, but I've got some kind of infestation and I'm not sure it's identifiable as of yet. Evidently the genius commenting above however thinks it's a terrible idea to confer with an entire gender - and thinks you shouldn't have kids unless you get "baby rabies" but even then, it might be a mistake. I'd take this woman's advice to the bank. Sure! Why not?
We are all searching for meaning in our lives, and children *may* provide that meaning, but equally may not, and in fairness to the child, you have to be really pretty sure this is what you want.
So lemme get this straight. The kid thing might work out, or it might not? Is that it genius? Ugh.
#3 - @Heike @special_boots @everyone else This is why I don't want to have kids. This is exactly why. I know I would end up resenting them for the rest of my life, if not outright hating them. I just don't know how to explain that to all the "But you have two X-chromosomes so you must love BAYBIEEEZ crowd." I think that looking back on your life at 80 and regretting never having a child is ten million times better than looking at your kids and regretting, so that's a chance I'm willing to take. If my biggest regret in life is that I didn't pass on my genes, I think I will have done pretty well for myself?
This comment gives me pause. I have no idea why she's in total agreement with some of the other inanity in the comments - but sge clearly KNOWS that she would either resent or hate children if she had any, so she's not doing it - and she's comfortable with the knowledge that at age 80, she might look back and have regrets. She's fine with that. Good for her. I'm not.
#4 - @special_boots Thank you so much for posting this. I hate it when people say "once you meet your child, you'll never regret it." Even if you love your child wildly, it's still possible to regret becoming a parent. A friend of my husband's family feels this way. She loves her (now adult) children, but she feels (with some reason) that she wasn't able to be the best parent and she never enjoyed being a parent.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am almost certain that if my mother had a do-over with hindsight, (or something where this would actually work), she wouldn't have had children. Loves my brother and I dearly, but wouldn't have done it. Scary.
So Carrie, while I sincerely, wholeheartedly appreciate your insights, your devotion to my blog, and your sheer brilliance, I'm kind of freaking the hell out right now because I think you managed to find people who've over-thought this business more than I have - and once again, I'm feeling like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
In the meantime, I don't blame you for being curious and wanting to read the whole article these comments were derived from, so here ya go:
http://thehairpin.com/2011/11/kids-worth-it-and-game-day-etiquette
P.S. When I googled "Between a rock and a hard place" under the image section, a multitude of very ripped and nearly naked men sitting on rocks appeared, along with a slew of other images. Just thought that was amusing.
These are all very good reasons. But when weighing a decision I have found it helpful to ONLY consider positives. It's clear which column has the biggest positives (and it might not be quantity but quality that tells). Then I more easily see/feel if something might mean joy for me. And isn't that were we're headed, out of our heads and towards joy and more joy? I say, leave the negative behind and move toward your joy, whatever it may take you. :o)
ReplyDeleteOoh, and ALSO, the list of positives can ONLY be known positives — no unknowns. Thinking about unknowns leads to confusion, at least in deciding stuff. So, like under REASONS TO NOT KID you might have "Money to travel and enjoy ourselves; freedom; saving millions of dollars over the course of our lives; time for volunteering; etc." and under REASONS TO KID you might have "sense of accomplishment, bigger than climbing Mount Kilimanjaro; watching little person grow; seeing myself and my husband in this little person." That sorta thang.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting perspective P.L. I'm going to give this some thought! Thanks for reading.
ReplyDelete