So my uncle, (who is sadly deceased), was this brilliant scientist type, who researched and I believe, successfully helped find cures for certain types of cancer along with his collagues. He also told my family about AIDS before it became highly publicized in mainstream media. This was NOT GOOD for a very young, very abnormally hypochondriacal/alarmist little girl who was always convinced she was dying from something. That little girl being me of course.
At approximately 5 or 6 years of age, I was 100% convinced that I was going to die from AIDS. No matter what my parents told me to the contrary, I was certain. I was dying from AIDS and there was nothing anyone could do about it. My fear was so intense, so overwhelming, that my mother finally had to cart me off to the pediatrician to hear it from the doctor's mouth that there was no way I could possibly have AIDS. She had to tell me all about how you could contract it - and swear to me that unless I'd done any of those things, (had unprotected sex, tainted blood transfusions, or shared dirty drug needles,) that I couldn't possibly have it. Lo and behold, I was FINALLY convinced after weeks of completely insane and pointless worrying that I wasn't dying of AIDS. I was probably dying of something, but it wasn't AIDS.
That wasn't the first time I went completely batshit insane about something that, while totally irrational, completely consumed my thoughts. Unfortunately, this is probably one of the primary reasons I always felt a little awkward as a kid. I never really felt like I fit in, and took everything way too seriously and personally.
In fact, I think that's been the case almost my entire life. My fear has stopped me from doing so much. Fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of death. You name it, I've feared it at some point or another. I've managed to do some pretty gutsy things... I've entered various contests, acted on stage and film, put my writing out there and managed to get something published, traveled abroad alone with no friends at 19, found the love of my life online when it was still considered taboo... but ultimately, there have been many things I've simply been too scared to try, and as a result, I harbor a few regrets.
This is why I am hell-bent on a few things.
1. I refuse to let fear incapacitate me anymore, (except maybe when I have to fly or go under the knife).
2. If we kid, I will do everything in my power to ensure that our child is as reasonably fearless as possible - short of literally playing with fire.
I, too, was afraid I was dying of something at any given time, and I remember you being that little girl who was a little bit too smart, and too precocious for her own good :)
ReplyDeleteSo funny Dani! I have a vague recollection of you being a bit hypochodriacal/paranoid and too smart too!
ReplyDeleteHahaha!
#2 is great. I watch my pretty fearless daughter and try desperately not to force my neuroses or nervous-nelly behaviors on her. Watching her now, I remember playing in the woods, in the dark; of picking up insects, frogs etc., of running screaming into the cold ocean with absolute abandon. I can't imagine doing these things now, but love to see that she does.
ReplyDeleteoh my heavens. i adore you. and john did you right with the adorable illustration at the top - love. i constantly think i'm dying. the sad thing is, when i actually am dying, i probably won't know.
ReplyDeletefear = fuck everything and run
fear = face everything and rule
whatever. i get you. fear sucks. but facing it takes away its power.
I guess I'm in good company then Simone!
ReplyDelete